Defining agony

Have you ever felt so alone? You can cry and scream, yet no one sees your tears or hear you? This weekend was pretty much one of my worst weekends ever. Even though I'm christian and i've got my God, but i'm only human, i still do feel that he's far away from me at times.

Feel there's no one who really understands me. No one really bothers reaching out... and all these while, i've been the one who's doing that. Trying to be the best that I can be. And each time various individuals keep 'pokin' at me, expecting me to take every shit. The final pin that broke the camel's back had to come from my own mother. Never did i know I would have the courage to walk away in a huff from her, but i did. Raced home, locked myself in my room and cried. Cried so hard that hours went by... cried to sleep, woke up, cried somemore again... I kept screaming out "God help me pls..." it was an agony that is pretty much indescribable with words.

Evening came, mum knocked my door and asked me what's wrong with me. I pushed her away and ask her to leave. I couldn't and didn't want her see me in this state. But I guess a mother's love prevails and persists. Even though you push her away she still loves you just the way you are, that was literally love in action yesterday. Told her what's wrong, i started screaming and then it was her turn, she cried and i cried. We talked things out and she finally prayed for me...
Through this whole ordeal and the emotional exchange that i had with mum i realised a couple of things, that she is already very proud of me in all that i've done and that i'm her strength. She draws her strength from me because sometimes she feels that my dad and bro isn't there for her. And through it all, she loves me dearly and just doesn't want to see me hurt. And i guess that's y she is the way she is with me...

Ytd was my 5 mths anni with J, he wasn't with me. Maybe he's fuming away and that i've made him irritable and mad. Feel as though i've been reduced to the ever subservient girl...Honestly i don't know why things turn out this way, i'm tired. All i ever want is to be the best for him. I only wish i can turn back the clock to the time we first met. Things were so different then...i bought him a gift anyhow, maybe i'll pass it to him when i meet him.

Am on 2 days MC because of a terrible migraine as a result of the past couple of weeks of 'pain'. Just saw the doc, he actually asked if i was going to be suicidal. haha... I'm not stupid, i still consider life to be a gift from God. Even right from birth, i already know that i've got a destiny in my Father's kingdom. I'm already feeling slightly better, drawing strength, hope and joy from my heavenly father.

Maybe there's a lesson to be learnt from all these. What doesn't kill, make you a stronger person.

~ Lara ~